A WINTER LETTER

A WINTER LETTER 

So young. I said I had it all planned out. But lost my blueprint. I can’t remember my idea anymore. I’m so terrified. I’m frightened. I’m back to being a child. I’m again worrying about the day after tomorrow and the day after that. I didn’t come here with a plan to begin with, and since I lost what I had…what will become of me? I feel like something’s shaking out there, something just waiting to happen. To explode. I need GOD. I need Him to be there. I am in danger of falling again. I’m in danger of losing myself. So young. It was okay to fall then, because I knew I could pick myself up. But not this time. Played the game. Rolled the dice. But I’m at the end of the line here. And I have to make a decision. It’s my life. And I’m not fighting hard enough. But I don’t mind losing it. I don’t mind letting go of my end of the rope. Does it really matter if things go that way? I want it my way. To the last day, to my last breath. Because if it can’t be noble, if I can’t find beauty or honour, if I can’t be wonderful even when I lose it all, then I don’t want it. I simply don’t care. I’ll make it my own way, with God as my only friend to save me when I fall. And if I find that I’m contradicting myself, so let it be, only He understands. What a life I have yet to lead. 

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