There has to be reason for all these thoughts or these feelings. Was I meant to live to just doubt everything yet never find the answer? Each day and night I look up into the sky, seeing nothing but the clouds and the sun breaking through. Wondering if the birds have seen heaven? I look up not when I am lonely but because I am truly lonely. I will never feel a greater love than a love which is invisible like the wind. The beauty that I see quenches my thirst for my mind to find a foothold in this world, at least for the moment. But looking ahead, to the people around me, it seems like no one cares. They don’t seem overwhelmed by the significance of the birds darting through the open air, the wind that rustles the leaves, the ripples of the water that scatter the sun’s ray like so many gold flecks that we cannot touch nor truly see. Or the rainbow that seems to plant its feet on either side of the sky. I am not just meant to wait out my life until I die, I have a purpose and so many doubts to conquer as I walk the path that takes nothing gifted for granted.

When I think about what it means to be living on Earth, one planet in a universe that seems so still and cold like the waves on a beach, I know that we don’t have the mind to know all the answers. Truly, Earth is the most wonderful planet in which the most dangerous creature lives. We who must meet our death and spend the days of our lives questioning what the moments we felt alive meant and whether we can carry these moments into a life after this. I’ve never considered the notion of death as being less painful than life. For while we are alive, we ignore the feeling that most of what we do is futile as we push death out of our minds. But in death, is there a solace that life has been lived and that we are at rest? Is it better to die in a world in which the sensations we feel, we need to try hard to believe that they were real. I believe in the afterlife, I believe in heaven because my short life on earth has been full to the brim of unanswered questions that may die unanswered. I’ve seen too much hurt and pain ignored, wanting life but never knowing what it meant to want the whole world and be empty and frightened inside.

I begin to realise I’m really alone in a world, whenever I put my trust in things that can be both seen and felt, I have failed. What is sad is that when you seek to be so different, unable to accept the way things are, your state of loneliness only becomes more apparent, a weapon of the mind. Do you return to the beginning of the creation when your mind gapes open into an all-consuming, cold, bitter void. Seeking to fill that void with meaningless tangible things that betray your trust, that offer falsity and feed the hunger inside. Wanting to consume the world is a voracious, relentless, agonising appetite in which you must sacrifice yourself and swim within the waters of your own corrupted desires. Afraid to look within, afraid to open your heart so your eyes remain open on the world that you can touch, fearful that what lies within mirrors what is the truth of ourselves: that deep down we are empty and cold. That our desire for warmth stems from GRACE that we don’t understand, nor have the capacity to.

The world offers an explanation of the what, the where, the when, the who and the how, but never the why. We will never know why we seek the warmth of love, why we in sinful nature desire to be pure. I have been surrounded by those who think that life is merely to be lived without obligation or burden of purpose, but I don’t understand the need to live with dignity if that is your goal. Why do we feel so little looking in the face of the night sky but not when we close our eyes and all we see is the dark expanse of a mind that is so alone and yet so protected. I know that all this beauty did not just occur for no reason, that free will is not an illusion but only if we believe it to be. Not bound by laws of physicality or reputation but by belief in that which functions without reason, out of pure love, blood shed for our sins. Insignificant and rebellious as our natures can be, how good cannot exist without evil, how it is so easy to tread the line between right and wrong, and how salvation was needed to save me from the realisation that I’m not bound by reason but by love that is like a white light in a void, bringing back memories, feelings and sensations of a time when happiness was more than an illusion.


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