READY TO PAY MY DEBT

The eyes that have seen the truth aren’t pretty.

And the sky starts to reveal it’s colours in the stillness of twilight.

I don’t know how some sleep at night knowing there are so many secrets unknown,

That some have died in terror and may be right now in danger,

That a million miles away, there is some conspiracy to take over the world,

Or right here, that there’s someone right now whose pillow is the concrete floor.

Because if breathing wasn’t involuntary I might not have lived so long,

If I’m being honest, there are more times I have wished for death than wanted to live.

And maybe that is why we forget that we breathe this precious air,

I never know that the next breath is guaranteed, I never know when my time is up.

But I always know I am never released from my debt until my final breath.

And even, the nightly wanderings in my mind when all my doubts, my guilt, my nightmares settle.

The moment before my eyelids close, I feel like I am falling endlessly through the depths of the world.

Released from life but the dreamworld is relentless, it pulls my closer to my destination,

And I realise I am never truly there.

Waking up is the hardest, each breath seems like a stone is lodged in my heart.

Trying to trick a burdensome mind that I should be grateful for a new day, 

And each challenge will lead to peace, but I see a world that is alien to me.

I grew up knowing these roads for all the years of my life I can remember but now,

familiar faces seem to terrify me and I have made friends with the few stars I can see,

I welcome the blue skies because I believe that I can feel that GOD is closer to me,

I look at the sunset sky and think what is more beautiful than these colours that fade to hail the moon.

I cannot see evil except in the human heart and so I am afraid to look in the mirror.

What I see is compromised because I see my own capacity for evil,

I pray for forgiveness for those whom I have hurt and I hope I can find it in my heart to love my enemies.

I pray for the dignity and innocence of human beings to be valued over money.

I pray that people would know how life is more fragile than petals,

that truth is more beautiful than beauty itself and a broken soul more true than the promise of the Sun.

What it would take to know the value of the years from now, to see what GOD has seen?

Yet, I am afraid that my mind cannot bear that burden, I am not in control of what I see or who I am.

I always used to think I could control who I was and what people could do to me.

That was the boldness I had as a child, despite all the pain and loneliness I was fearsome.

And now, I am fearful of the certainty of tomorrow and perhaps of eternity.

I am glad that I do not know my last breath, I always pray “till my last breath THY will be done”.

So let THY will be done, not my own, for my plans are not enough, not sufficient for mortality.

When I am ready to pay the debt, I pray that I will be released gracefully,

Dying by knowing the one thing I love. Truth.

✾themeekarestillhere✾

PHOTO CREDITS
BURNING MONEY BY REUVEN GAYLE